i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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