i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
