My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
