Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Randomize
