who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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