I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
