Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
