Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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