You just made me feel so damn special
mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
