i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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