A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
