My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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