Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I looked at my own cervix.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
