Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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