I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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