i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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