her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Someone came in the potted fern
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
