It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I skipped work to stalk him.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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