so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Randomize
