Your dad touched me again.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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