Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
