Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
