If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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