ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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