Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
