Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
