I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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