Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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