why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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