I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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