i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
