final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
