checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
