Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
