My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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