What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
