Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
