I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
no you cant smoke seaweed
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
