you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
