How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
