I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
