I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
