even my farts smell like vagina
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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