My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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