We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
