Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
