THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
