Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
