So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
