Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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